I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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