onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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