I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
