You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
