We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
