I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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