so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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