"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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