she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
