sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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