Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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