Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
