He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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