He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
