But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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