Moan for me like Helen Keller
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
