Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
