he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
