I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i've created a new STD.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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