I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
