it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
this just has baby written all over it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
