I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
