walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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