grandma shit on top of the toilet
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
