I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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