Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
