I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
God I need to hump something, right now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
