Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
my poor anus
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
