this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
