Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
