hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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