Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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