That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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