I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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