I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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