just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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