Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
