i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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