Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
