my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
