His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
