I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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