My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
