Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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