Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
