I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
