You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
