i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
