there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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