I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
